When we all are getting older, we start to think about our past life. Even when we are just around the mid-twenties. We realize bit by bit how strong influenced we are by our parent's upbringing. It's fair to say that this is a usual fact but I'm thinking not about things like good behaviors, in my mind are all trifles which are accounting for our character. Now we catch ourselves at carping at the same behaviors like our parents did. Although we refuse to believe that.
Consequently also my expectations about how children should grow up and which experiences are important for their future life are characterized by my own upbringing.
It's not necessary to complain continuously that everything was better in the past. Times are
changing. If our parents, or we would have the same opportunities and the mass of leisure time offers, I'm sure we wouldn't say “Oh great, I don't want to play playstation with my friends. I want to go out and do something different.”.
It's not important for children to make our experiences, or what we think it's necessary for them in our world, because to be honest we don't really know what is going on in their “world”.It doesn't matter if we are just in the twenties and are thinking that we are still so young. Compared to the children we are old. The children have their own language, they prefer other music and of course they have some other needs, because they are growing up in totally different environment.
Maybe for us it was great to play in the forest, but it was great because we were there with our friends. If in nowadays children are playing on line-games it is the same feeling for them. In a for us absurd way it is their way of communication. We are complaining about it and are wondering why they meet in the world wide web even when they are living just some streets away from each other. But then we are sitting in our offices where we are sending instant messages to the colleague one office away.
We should respect the changes in the world and let the children make their own experiences in their own world. We shouldn't try to like everything, but we should try to understand them and give them just the “toolbox” for their future lives including all the tools which helped us to grow up in our environment. Regardless of times, children always need to absorb the core values of humanity. They need to make the experience of respecting each other, friendship, helping each other and the experience of being loved by someone.
With these and some more experiences they will be able to grow up happily and satisfied in their for us sometimes unintelligible world full of new technical and social inventions.
You make a very good case and yor arguments are persuasive but I also have some suggestions for you.
ReplyDeleteStructure:
We talked quite a lot about introductions and thesis statements in class last time, which you missed, but if you have a look at the information in the compendium and the textbook, you will be able to follow these guidelines in your next blog assignment.
As for paragraphing, we haven't covered it yet. We're going to talk about it in class on Monday. For now, there are two things that I would like to suggest. First of all, you need a blank line between paragraphs (or you can indent the first line of a new paragraph). Simply using line breaks doesn't work. Second, a paragraph should express and discuss one complete, unified idea. That means you should avoid very short and/or fragmented one-sentence paragraphs if possible. But more about this in class next week.
The conclusion is very good. It gives a brief summary of the argument and makes a more general statement that ties in with the introduction - well done!
Language:
Your vocabulary is rich and varied but there are also some mistakes in the language. It's hard to know what mistakes are genuine errors and what mistakes are slip-ups because you wrote the text in a hurry. I have selected a few examples for you to look at more closely:
-Avoid sentence fragments like the sentence beginning "Even when..." in the introduction.
-The difference between adjectives and adverbs can be quite tricky. A useful rule to remember is that adverbs modify adjectives, verbs and other adverbs. So you need to say "strongly influenced", not "strong influenced" (introduction).
-The apostrophe in genitives is also hard. If you say "parent's", then there is only one parent. I am guessing you meant both parents, so you should say "parents'" (introduction). By the way, surely, you mean "our upbringing", not "our parents' upbringing"?
-The sentence beginning "it's fair to say that..." in the introduction is rather awkward.
-The difference between "what" and "which" is another difficult area. A useful rule of thumb is that "which" is used when there is an explicit choice between named items. So, "what experiences" is better than "which experiences" here (paragraph 2).
-Long adverbials can never be placed after personal pronouns as in the conclusion ("in their for us sometimes unintelligible world").
Keep it up!
/Teacher
Thank you for the helpful hints.
ReplyDeleteContent:
ReplyDeleteI liked reading your text. Your opinion is very interesting and clear. It is obvious throughout the text.
I like your beginning when you say that everyone grows older and that’s why we start thinking about our past. Good way to introduce why you want to write about this topic.
You wrote that you were influenced by your parents’ upbringing, but you didn’t write anything about it. In my opinion the reader would be interested to know something about YOUR childhood.
Especially the comparison between people in the mid-twenties, like us, and the children nowadays was great. You said that our childhood was about 20 or 15 years ago but it is totally different from nowadays. Your arguments are well chosen – changing of time and environment – and I liked your examples, e.g. about us writing instant messages and children playing online-games. The comparison throughout the text is good and understandable.
Structure:
You should use paragraphs to make it easier to read. When you look at the text you have also a better overview. For every paragraph an idea and explanation, examples…
Unfortunately a thesis in the beginning is missing – would be better to ask a question or say what you want to discuss.
You have a short summary which I liked. You talked about the experiences that children need e.g. happiness and respect – no matter if they are living in a time that is different from the past.
Good argument!
Language:
It was easy to read your text. But you could try to form shorter sentences sometimes. For example here: “It's not important for children to make our experiences, or what we think it's necessary for them in our world, because to be honest we don't really know what is going on in their “world”.” Instead of writing “because”, start a new sentence.
Same here: It's fair to say that this is a usual fact but I'm thinking not about things like good behaviors, in my mind are all trifles which are accounting for our character.
No comma, just start a new sentence.
Second sentence: instead of “I’m thinking not” “I’m not thinking”.
Everything else was said by the teacher.
It was great that you used the personal pronoun “we” in the text. It involves the reader and makes it more pleasant to read.